Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Sent from my iPhone

My favorite part of this Cover Letter entry is the very last line, below the signature, but there are other gems in here.

Dear Ms. Female S. Professor,

Sorry my cover letter is arriving so late.  I would have gotten it in earlier, but you know, I just couldn't get to it because my schedule was really booked the last two weeks.  I've been working on my work/life balance lately and my therapist encouraged me to prioritize work less, which I decided meant focusing my energy for all of December on decorating my apartment for a raging holiday party.

I'd really like to do a postdoc at your university, and you seem like you'd be pretty cool to work with (BTW, I heard about your blog!  Don't worry, your real identity is on the DL).  I haven't seen any announcements that you have any interest in hiring postdocs, and I know your research isn't really in my area, so I figured since you're a professor and all you could probably just write a grant for me.  I can just hang out at my PhD institution leeching my advisor's funding until your grant gets accepted.  I don't really know how to write grants yet so I don't think I should help.  Plus, I know from your blog that you're a really great writer!  So I'll leave the writing to you. 

So anyway, attached are my application materials.  I'm sure you'll gather from this that I have a promising academic career ahead of me.  I have enough teaching experience that I'm sure I'll get a faculty job as soon as I apply, which I intend to start working on full time as soon as I get settled in at your university.  Also, I have a ton of publications and research skills that will also look good on those applications. I won't bore you with the details since you aren't in my subfield anyway. Be sure not to overlook the Science paper that I'm third author on.  The first author is a labmate of mine who is way more ambitious than I am.  The only thing that's really missing from my CV is a postdoc position at your university, so I can't wait for you to round that out for me.

Getting back to my work/life balance, I'd definitely take a postdoc at your university because I'm really excited about all the opportunities to get outside in your area.  I can't wait to spend all my winters skiing only a multiple hour drive away and my summers in the nice warm water that's a few hours drive in a different direction!  I should be able to stop by the university at least once a week in order to do laundry and check my mail for those faculty job offers.

Millennium generation grad student

*Sent from my iPhone*

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